my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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