I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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