I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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