she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
