I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
