chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
there was a trapeze. enough said
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
