when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
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He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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