Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
