I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
