is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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