she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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