Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
