At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
