dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
