I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
