but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
