He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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