just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
