Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize