If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
