Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
