Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
