Your tits are I can't wait for
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
