MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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