i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
