So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
