I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
