matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize