I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
