don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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