So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
