Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
