What did we do last night that was yellow?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
