He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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