Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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