girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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