I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
