I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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