dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize
