I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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