I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
