Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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