Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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