I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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