I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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