I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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