i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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