woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
