Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
someone owes me an orgasm
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
