Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
