well I can't set my house on fire every night
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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