He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
