Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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