Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
