I have surprise drugs for everyone
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
