I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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